Thankfully I didn't get tasered by the air marshal - I blame liquor

Ok so a couple of weeks ago I decided that this year was the year to test my meddle at the annual WSOP. I decided to play in a reasonable buy-in tourney ($2K) and take a three day weekend from work. I left on Thursday directly from work and took AirTran down to Atlanta and then over to Vegas. The first part of the flight was rather enjoyable. I upgraded to first class (always worth it on AirTran) and got seated next to this old guy who sold medical equipment to hospitals and such. I always appreciate sitting next to someone that wants to chat on flights. I don't know what it is, but being in first class brings out the socializer in me . It's weird. I always feel like I should have a top hat and monocle on and sip a class of port while discussing the decreasing risk in global markets. Needless to say I read my book and occasionally this guy would stop and ask me a question. He asked me about my trip, and I told him I was going to go play in one of the poker tournaments and this guy was all about talking about the tournament. I've never seen an old guy who had never played poker before in his life get so fired up about the subject. Honestly it could have just been the third scotch he was working on during the flight.

So on the flight over to Vegas I got to listen to the NBA draft in coach. We sat on the tarmac for about an hour before taking off, so I got all the way to Joakim Noah at 9 before we were air born. So I get into Vegas, go buy in to the tournament and go back to my hotel for some sleep. I finally sleep at about 3am and immediately wake up at 6:30am. I'm not used to sleeping in any later than 8:30 EST so I should have expected an early start to the day. I go down to Bally's ad promptly lose $100 playing blackjack. I have to say, I was about to go on a great run when this completely miserable woman came up and sat down in front of me. I hate gambling with people who are already pissed off. I should have started doing some smack talking to get her off the table, but I was in a friendly mood. I ordered a pineapple juice and got a screwdriver. I left that table not the happiest, but fortunately I went to have the best breakfast in Vegas at the crepe stand in Paris (which you can get to directly from Bally's).

So that afternoon I played in the WSOP. If you want to ask me specific questions about this any time, that's cool, I'll be more than happy to answer any of them. I will say the one poker pet peeve I developed when I was there was the talk during the breaks. Basically as soon as a break starts, everyone heads out of the room and immediately picks up their cell phone to tell someone not in Vegas all about Hand X that they played that was so fucking exciting that person Y has to know about it this second and they'll call the person back and talk to them right after the next break. It's infuriating. I will say that I got knocked out 20 places out of the money due to my own brain fart and a nice suck out on the river (in the same hand!). Anyway, after that I kind of went on a bender.

Anyway, the exciting part of the mini vacation was actually the trip home. I got to the airport WAY too early (due to the fact that I couldn't remember what time my flight was). I say it was WAY too early because I had nothing to do once I got there except sit at the bar for four hours and watch the cubs game. It's also about the time in the story to tell you that I hadn't eaten anything since about 5 that morning at the coffee shop in the hotel right before I went to bed. The timeline of the day was 5:30 - sleep, 9:00 - wake up and check out, 10L00am 0 airport, 2:00 pm flight. Well, when I got to the airport bar I ordered some bar food (Nachos!) and a vodka tonic.

That's when this guy Craig from Tahoe pulled up to the bar stool next to mine. I knew Craig was a pretty cool dude when he booed Soriano two minutes after sitting down and when some guy across the bar asked if Craig was a Brewer fan Craig yelled "This idiot is killing my fantasy team!" Craig and I talked ball mostly and about our weekends. We were having a great time chatting up everyone around us as well. I ended up talking to some guy about the politics in Baltimore (seriously I told the dude before we started talking "everything I know about your city comes directly from 'The Wire,'" but he thought that made me more qualified than their mayor). Anyway, Craig basically orders me a vodka tonic for every beer he's drinking. If you know me or you've ever seen me drink on a near empty stomach, you know exactly where this is heading. Craig left for his flight at about 1:30. By this time the vodka tonics tasted like water and I was having a hard time managing to actually get the Chex mix I bought into my mouth. Keeping with The Wire, I was like McNulty after a few fifth of Jameson.

So after a while I decide I need to board my flight... no I think I need to double back for another vodka tonic before I get on the flight because instead of passing out I'm feeling frisky. Lord knows another alcoholic beverage should curb this a little. So I get into the jetway probably bout as red as a high school Asian girl after three beers. In the jetway I start talking to the really attractive girl in front of me an she tells me she lives in DC. I ask her if I can borrow her cellphone briefly and she says "of course. " I then call Murdock in DC and get his voicemail. Now in front of this girl I basically leave he following message (I say basically because things were a bit hazy at this point) "Yo, Murdock, I'm talking to (insert name) and she's really hot and she's from DC so if you have a soul, you need to call her back and now you've got her number so good luck with that. Seriously, she's really hot and you need to call her back!"

Unfortunately we were the last group to board and we had to sit in the empty seat as far back int eh plane as we could go. So naturally I'm stuck next to the two high school girls. The DC girl was a few rows up and I think I spent the next fifteen minutes trying to get her to talk to me again, but for some reason she just didn't want to talk to me. The flight attendants were doing the the announcements at this point, and the middle aged woman across the aisle asked me to be quiet and stop talking. Now I'm a smart-ass when I'm sober, but when I've got a belly full of alkie, I'm downright vicious. I said to the lady (loud enough fr a lot of people around us to hear) "Oh I'm sorry, did you not seethe doors when we got on the plane? Are you taking meds for the Alzheimer's yet, or do your kids want you to slowly rot? Wait, let me show you how to use a seat belt again ma'am." Clearly I'm going to hell.

After a while of m being stupid, they started the drink service. I can't remember if the girls next to me asked me to buy them drinks or not, but I remember basically yelling across the plane to the flight crew "Hey, these girls want me to buy them drinks, but I'm too drunk to see if they're old enough!" Can I get some help with this? Anyone, are these girls old enough to drink or will I get in trouble?" At this point some guy four rows up started yelling that he was going to kick my ass and I responded with a "What the fuck did I do?" which just got him more enraged. The flight attendants then asked me to move to the back row. The guy four rows up followed me and sat two rows in front of me. By now you already know two things - 1) I'm a smartass and 2) I'll say anything I damn well please. Basically when this guy followed me I decided to tell him exactly how I felt and it took a few people I recognized from the bar to hold that guy back and calm him down. After this I pass out for the remainder of the trip to our first stop in Nashville.

When I wake up in Nashville and immediately ask the flight attendant if I can use the lavatory in the back of the plane while the Nashville folks are getting off the plane. She says sure and is totally nonchallant about it. I'll also say at this point that I am quite a bit more sober. So I used the facilities, wash my hands and step out of the lavatory to see something I really hadn't expected: four of Nashville's finest walking towards the back of the plane. The lead officer points at me and puts his hand up in the universal sign for "Hey you, Fuckhead, don't go anywhere!"I stand in the back of the plane and when he gets there he says "Sir I need to talk to you. We were called from this plane to come and take you to jail for terrorizing these people. As you know a lot of crazy things have been happening with airplanes and airports this weekend. Now I think you need to come with me." At this point, to say I was panicked would have been quite the understatement. I have family in Nashville (very distant) so I'm sure if I needed to be bailed it could have happened, but that was definitely not a phone call I wanted to make. So extremely calmly I say to the officer, "Sir is this necessary, I've been asleep the last three hours on the flight." I went from monocle and top hat to breaking rocks with failed country music stars in the space of a weekend. He then tells me that I'm a 'terrorist' for scaring people on the flight. I then say that I'll be on my best behavior the rest of the flight and that if I say a word out of line on the way to Raleigh I'll gladly go to jail there. This guy then gets in my face and tells me I had better be a model citizen and turns with his men and leaves.

Now I had originally thought that it was an airport security guy, but as he turned around I definitely got a "City of Nashville" patch on his arm. Holy shit, they called the city po-lice on me! Needless to say we'll be taking proper precautions next time I fly into Tennessee. So on the flight the rest of the way home the first thing I do is apologize to the flight attendant who says "You weren't that bad, I don't know why they called the cops on you. You were just being loud and stupid." Awesome.