OK, so Son of Geo Metro works for a company headquartered in Atlanta. Two weeks ago we had our semi-annual conference where everyone from the company gets together to review performance for each department, etc, etc. I need to state that I love the company I work for. The following stories should outline that pretty well. These are all 100% true. I'm really not making any of this crap up, even though after reading this you won't believe any of it.
Thursday night:
The meetings end Thursday at about 6pm with the sales reports for the companies broken down by division. They look good, so we're all happy about that. As soon as we break we're told that we'll have about a half hour until the open bar gets set up. That was the most tense half hour of the week until word spread that the CEO had opened a tab at the bar in the lobby for everyone. The tense half hour was about a tense five minutes. I took the five minutes to call roommate 1 and try to set up a time to meet to fix the mess I had created the previous weekend (that's the next post, probably tomorrow night). I then went downstairs and proceeded to have a few beers with the co-workers. Now I need to realize that since I work in Atlanta and most of the folks I work with are good ol' boys, I need to stick with the domestics. I think that's the one thing bad about living in California as long as I did - I became sort of a beer snob. I'm not saying that imports aren't better, but when you ask for a Blue Moon in front of a bunch of guys drinking Budweiser (NOT Bud Lite) from the bottle, you need to re-evaluate your beer section. Needless to say I had to defend my drink for the remainder of the half hour. We get served dinner, and since I have some food in my stomach it's time to step up to the plate and really tart drinking. I decide that it'd be a good idea to start pounding vodka tonics while shooting the shit with the guys because 1) I need to loosen up, 2) they're all drinking hard liquor, and 3) I'm the youngest person here. I need to show these guys what's what.
Believe it or not nothing bad happened to me. I got to hang out with people from corporate most of the night. I found out my branch manager is the coolest boss I've ever had. Our HR manager who made the trip with us got completely annihilated. I think the only hiccup int eh evening was with my colleague in the Charleston office who decided to attack me at one point, ruining my name tag and biting my hand. There was an interesting subplot to the evening that I can't really talk about at all. Like I said, I like my job.
One story from the evening that I didn't find out until the end of the weekend: one of the guys from the Charleston office got completely fucked up and actually picked up two of the Asian ladies who were working as housekeeping for the hotel. They ended up taking him to the floor where all the laundry is done. The three of them then get into the laundry machine, because it's set up much like a hot tub and they have a threeway where everyone's sheets are supposed to be cleaned. There was also some talk about maybe he threw up in the washing machine halfway through and they didn't stop, but I'm not sure about that minor detail. Think about that when you're staying at your next hotel.
Friday:
Friday's meetings started with everyone staring at their breakfast not wanting to make eye contact with those around them. Awesome. I had to call the HR manager's room because he definitely didn't set a wake up call. The meetings went all day talking about the future direvtion fo the company and all that. At the end of the day, the CEO gets up in front of everyone and says "Now guys, you need to realize that we're guests of this hotel" (and I'm thinking, hey, we weren't THAT bad last night) "and you guys are representing everyone else here and the company as a whole" (wow, maybe we were loud or soemthing?) "you need to realize how much you're had to drink" (we did drink a lot) "becasue we had one guy, and I'm not going to name names, but one guy passed out in the men's room here in the lobby in a big mess that the staff had to clean up after" (GETTHEFUCKOUTOFHERE!) Apparently another guy from the Charleston office passed outsitting on a toilet in the mens room and had mess come out both ends... and none of it in the toilet itself. Awesome.
So the company had set up a casino night for a couple of hours and every $500 you had at the end of the night got you a raffle ticket, and the prize they were raffling out was a flat-screen TV. I ended up having the CEO at my blackjack table most of the evening. They weren't serving liquor at the bar. I was on my best behavior. I ended up not winning the television mostly becasue one of the dealers was cheating the entire evening while I had the one guy playing it straight. Fine. Afterwards I hear someone say that they're all going to the Pony. That's cool, but I'm not a big fan of the pony. I have a nice photo from the Pony, but I'm not a fan of the Pony. I talk to a couple co-workers and try to guage interest in a trip to (h)Oasis. I'm definitely not drunk due to playing blackjack with my boss and the CEO all night, so I can drive. We leave about a haf hour after the Pony people. When we get to the club, we were pretty surprised to see that the Pony people had come to (h)Oasis. Now I'm somehwat new to the whole "going to strip clubs with people that you work with" things, so I must say I was a little fucked up when I see the President of the company (not the CEO) sauing "What's up Son of Geo Metro?" while he's getting a lapdance.
One fo the otehrguys in that crew was checking her out and at one point the El Prez yells at him "quit checking out my next ex-wife!" Awesome. So the Pony people had a table and all, but there wasn't anywhere for us to sit with them so we got our own table closer to the stage. We were there for about 20 minutes or so when the people I was with decided to catch a cab back to the hotel. I had a sot girl that was a little taken with so we were fine chatting for a while and she wanted to hang out. That was cool. So I hadn't kept track of the Pony people when one of them walks by and says "Geo Metro, everyone is upstairs, take her up there!" Well, when she heard that she grabbed my hand and we were off. I had never been upstairs at (h)Oasis, so I was looking forward to a treat.
Now I'm no prude, far from it I think, but the site of 15 people simultaneously getting lapdances... I don't know. On one hand I was proud, and on the other hand it looked like I gad stepped into something perverted from ancient Rome. Either way, it was cool. There was nowhere for the shot girl and I, plus El Prez started haggling with the waitress as soon asI got up there, so we left pretty soon after. Well, we end up going to the private VIP for some alone time, which was excellent, and after that I go back out to the club (shot girl staying with me) and there are only a few Pony people left. I actually find a table and those guys join us for a bit and then leave. I end up staying for a while and the shot girl ends up giving me her address because she wants me to stay in touch (no joke, and completely unsolicited). I get back to the hotel around 3:30 am, about an hour after everyone else. Well played sir.
While we were out at the strip club apparently one of the Charleston guys (the mens room guy, not the threeway in the washing machine guy) fell outside the front door and had to be taken to the hospital when he fell and his glass smashed and cut up his head and arm. Awesome!
Saturday:
Saturday was more of the same with each of the branch managers talking about performance and then some corporate division managers giving a talk. During the corporate division manager talk there were people passing out everywhere. Later that night there was a poolside cookout and another open bar. So apparently I'm the on;y retard who hears "Poolside Barbeque" and actually went up to my room to change into trunks and a T-shirt. I'm the only one who got in the pool, and I stood out like a sore thumb the entire time. I'm not bitter or anything.
The best part about this was our branch manager screaming at me from across the pool that I needed to wait half an hour after eating so I wouldn't drown. I've always considered myself to be a loud person. I can't really help that. My branch manager puts me to shame. He's constantly like three decibles louder than me at all times. Those of you who know me know whow amazing this is.
Actually I did get to hang out with a group doing drinking games poolside. I was immediately a hit when I walk up and said "Are you guys playing drunk driver?" I did get everyone to play the game where everyone gets super fucked up (I don't know what it's called but if you want to forget your evening, it's the game for you). Everyone ended up getting super fucked up. I was definitely on my game. Our payroll coordinator was lounging in a chair; "Hey sweetheart how bout you go throw on your best two piece and join me in the pool." In my defense that was a joke, and she knew it, but it was still damn funny. Some guy from a different branch out in the midwest said something about a person who works for the company that wasn't there and apparently I thought this was jsut cause to be an asshole to him (Later as I was heading up for the night I ran into him and he said "Dude, I'm sorry about what I said earlier, I hope your not mad at me" and I replied "No dude, I'm drunk. I'm an idiot, you're awesome" so at least I admit to being an idiot while drunk).
So I came in from the pool and acted like I was going to wander up to the bar in my wet trunks with my towle over my shoulders when the Branch Manager starts yelling and laughing for me to go change. This was exactly the response I was looking for so I start laughing hysterically which makes him laugh even more. I'm pretty sure everyone I work with thinks I'm retarded. I go change, head back down and get ridiculous with everyone I see. I end up hanging with Maurice and meeting the people at the branch I'm transferring too, which was awesome. Apparently at some point during the conversation though the HR Manager said something about someone being a fat bastard, at which point I did the voice so everyone made me do the fat bastard impression over and over that night (and by "make" I mean someone said "do it again!") I didn't really remember this until I saw photo and video proof. My favorite part of the evening that is crystal clear in my head: I sit down for a second with the payroll coordinator, my boss, and my boss' husband. My boss leans over and says to me that her husband (who doesn't work for us) is going to be taking someone's place in the golf tournament and wasn't that such a great thing. Now I know my boss wants me to say yes, I think it'd be wonderful. She wanted her husband around for part of the weekend, but like any guy hanging around with a bunch of people he doesn't know, he wasn't really down with that (I'd feel the exact same way). So do I say "Yeah that'd be great if Mr. Boss plays?" This is my respoonse and I'm pretty sure these were the exavt words I used: "Fuck no. He's a really good golfer! We don't need more good golfers we need a shitty golfer to take down another team! Look, I am in it to win it!" She looked at me like I was retarded and said "But don't you think it'd be good for him to get out there with y'all?" Not getting the hint I continued, "No! Why does he care about us, you're the one who has to put up with us. I am in it to win it!" The payroll coordinator was laughing the entire time.
I wasnt quite this bad, but at this point it's all relative.
Sunday:
Sunday nothing out of the ordinary happened. We had a golf tournament. The only reason I bring up Sunday is becasue I woke up about a half hour before the tournament was supposed to start, threw on semi-clean clothes and checked out of the hotel. On the drive up to the golf course I realized "I don't know how I got back to my bed last night, and the TV was still on... huh, isn't that weird?" That's how you can tell if it's been a bad night with me, the TV is still on. Anyway, I get to the course and I immediately sweet talk the girl into making me breakfast. It helps when you walk in right as they're clearing the free breakfast. I walk out to the first tee box and one of the guys I definitely don't know (but works with us and was apparently there every step of the night before) yells "Now this guy knows how to party!!!"Combine that with my reputation for the time I painted the town with Special K and those weren't quite the words I needed everyone to hear, but screw it. I do know how to party!
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